Dear Mean People

It saddens me to new depths to read the hate mail sent to Canadian Brenda Millson regarding her autistic grandson Max Begley. Click the link to read it http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2397412/Autistic-boy-Max-Begley-receives-hate-letter-Euthanize-donate-non-retarded-body-parts.html.

Unfortunately, I am no stranger to hearing such evil thoughts (although no one has ever suggested harm to my children).  I share this personal story to let Max’s mom and Grandmother know that they are not alone. Unfortunately, many people will not learn more than the word “autism.” I urge people to know more than just the word by writing and speaking on autism related issues. My hope is that someday people will respect people with autism.

Here is my story…

Approximately, eight months ago my husband and I had to move our family of five (us and three kids).  We almost settled for a house that was on the opposite side of the state over an hour from any friends or family when at the last moment we found a four bedroom just on the opposite side of the town that we currently lived.  It was a good size home for us but has barely any yard. I tried to be optimistic about it, since it is near a park. I tried to reassure myself that we can just simply walk to the park if they need to stretch their legs. However, life set in and we are lucky to go for a walk twice a week.

Since we moved in during December there was not much communication with anyone in the neighborhood. I always eagerly greeted people and introduced myself but not many seemed interested to continue a conversation.  Thankfully, as the months went by and I had to lug three children up the street to the bus stop I eventually met people.

With spring came kids running from house to house. It was a friendly site to see, making me reminisce growing up in the Litchfield hills of Connecticut, playing with all the neighborhood kids on the local green. I thought we had finally found a place that we fit. Until a simple incident at the end of March brought a staunch realization, we hadn’t made friends we were merely being tolerated.

This is my side of the story…

I pulled into the driveway to see my husband and my two youngest children playing on the patio. I got out of my van to see my five year old daughter come running across the front of neighbor’s lawn crying. She buried her face in my belly. In between sobs, she told me her ball accidentally went over the fence. So her father told her to go ask for it back.  However, as she stood at the neighbor’s door waiting to explain that she just simply needed her ball back, she was screamed at and the door was slammed.  Meanwhile my husband has brought the younger two inside. I tried ushering her inside with everyone so I could calm her down and talk to her. Thankfully I got her inside just in time. However I wasn’t as lucky. The lady neighbor came marching outside yelling, “I’ll give you the fucking ball back. I should pop the damn thing! You should shut your fucking kids up. All they do is fucking scream! You know I’m trying to work right here.” [pointing to an open window and throwing the ball over the fence]

I could of swore right back, but my parents have raised me on the belief that if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all.  I have personally never been one to not say something, so I merely suggested, “Then you better shut your window because we aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.”  I went back inside and consoled my daughter.  She kept asking over and over again why someone would yell at her and why someone would use bad words at mommy.

Soon after, I calmed her I went to my bedroom to unravel the tense mess that I had become. These were the same people that had helped plow our driveway during the blizzard. Had I been that naïve? Was my family really that disruptive to the community? My head swirled with what ifs and maybe I should thoughts. Ultimately, I knew the answer. I tried to respect the community by never letting my kids outside before 9am and always having them back indoors by 6:30pm. I try to keep the noise low or I bring them inside, but they are children. We moved to a street that has tons of children thinking that our kids could play outside and be kids.

Meanwhile, I heard a knock at the door and my husband talking to her husband telling him it was okay. WHAT?! I thought to myself.

It is NOT OKAY! It is not okay for people to swear at my kids or me. It is NOT okay to slam a door and scream at a child that is simply asking for her ball back.

Could the situation have been handled better? Sure. Could my husband have walked her over? Maybe, but then he would’ve had to bring all three kids to witness her wrath.

I can’t believe that people can be so mean. The letter that this grandmother and mother had to read is heartbreaking to me because it reinforces that people are mean and cowardly.

Did the woman that wrote the note sign her name? – No, of course not. Did my neighbor come and apologize? No, she sent her husband.

There are some very valuable lessons that we should all learn, if you can’t say it or display it at school or church then you should not say it or display it anywhere. Some thoughts should stay locked in your head. Never, respond when angry. Wait until you calm down. Try to remember what it was like when you were a kid. Most importantly, know that you are no better than anyone else. You have no right to suggest harm or silence on anyone.
This kind of behavior should not be tolerated. Let's join with Kevin Healey http://www.autism-campaign.co.uk/autism-bullying-campaign/ and fight for stricter laws against bullies and hate crimes such as these.

To the people that have acted in hurtful mean manner: If you want quiet – move to any island or the woods. Based on your actions and words, I don’t think society will miss your mean spirited ways. You complain of a little noise, while you go around inflicting psychological and emotional turmoil.