I have Failed

The other day my daughter came home from school agitated. This is not uncommon. Some days are difficult because she has been bullied, or no one would play with her at recess, or she was overwhelmed with sensory stimuli.  Of course, trying to get her to tell me why she is agitated would just agitate her more so I gave her a snack and let her go calm down.
Later that evening, I told her that her school was trying to raise money to have an author come to the school and I wanted to know if she would mind if I went to the school to speak for free to help the school save some money and help educate everyone about autism and acceptance.

The conversation went like this:
Me: "Hey, hun, your school is having a Read-a-thon to raise money to have an author come to the                school. Do you think it would be okay if mommy went to the school to speak as an author?"

Her: "Can I stand on stage with you?"

Me: "I don't know. I don't know if they will even choose mommy."

Her: "Why won't you let me stand on stage with you?"

Me: "I didn't say NO, I said I don't know because it would be up to the school probably."

Her: "Well, what would you talk about? I don't know what you talk about when you go give speeches          to people."

Me: "Remember mommy told you that she helped start Autism Parenting Magazine to help other parents        understand autism, so they know how to help their children? So I talk about autism."

Her: "Are you going to tell everyone that I have Asperger's?"

Me: "Well, no, not if you don't want me to but many people know already."

Her: [angrily] "What?! You told them!"

Me: "Well, the school knows because it is their job to help you when I am not there so they need to know."

Her: "Who else knows?"

Me: "The people on our street."

Her: "Why would you tell them?"

Me: "I didn't run around hanging signs, hun. They asked me.."

Her: "They asked you if I had Asperger's?"

Me: "Well, no some of them asked me why you were acting a certain way one day and it came out.              Others asked me about my books and if I was writing about parenting autistics, did I have an              autistic child?"

Her: "I don't want anyone to know! I tried to tell my group at school and three [of the five] kids                  laughed at me. When I told them not to laugh at me they laughed harder."

Me: "Honey I am so sorry. Maybe they were just laughing at the word Asperger's because it sounds            like ass-burgers? [I tried to hug her.] Look I'm very sorry if I disrespected your privacy by telling        people. If you don't want me to than I won't mention your name anymore and I won't speak at            your school. You have to know that I wrote the children's books to help children understand                autism. Most children laugh at it because they don't understand it. I'm sure the children wouldn't          laugh at someone that had a physical disability and was in a wheelchair. I just thought that if we            explain it that they will treat you better."

Her: "Don't you see they treat me different and if you tell them I am different then they will ALL treat         me different!"

Me: [On my knees] "I am truly sorry if I have ever made you feel different. I know you have trouble           making friends but I am so jealous of how smart you and your father are and what an amazing             memory the two of you have. I know that you have some days when you get overwhelmed by             your senses but you are an amazing person. I was trying to show the world how amazing you are.       Mommy has told you that lots of awesome people have Asperger's like Einstein and probably Walt         Disney. Just think how boring our world would be without Disney movies? You knew that I was         writing the children's books based on things that you have done, why didn't you tell me you didn't         want to be mentioned?"

Her: "I didn't know how cruel people were then."

End conversation.

From now on I will refer to my daughter not by name to respect her privacy. She has taught me an abundance of knowledge and I hope that one day she will see herself as the amazingly awesome person that I see her as. I feel I have failed her, while trying to protect her and for that I am sorry. I have always tried to respect every individual for who they are and she feels disrespected. This was never my intention, I merely was trying to share the knowledge I have with others to make their journey a little easier during the difficult times. I was hoping that maybe when she is older that she would stand on stage with me and proudly say I have Asperger's and be a positive voice much like John Elder Robison and his son; or Temple Grandin and her mom Eustacia Cutler. Or maybe I hope that she will grow to be an author about her experience like how Jennifer O'Toole created Asperkids; or Jeannie Davide-Rivera wrote Twirling Naked; or how Renee Salas wrote Black and White: A Colorful Look at the Spectrum. As we continue to grow, I hope we continue to learn from each other.